“WE LIVE BETWEEN THE ACT OF AWAKENING AND THE ACT OF SURRENDER.” John O’ Donohue
THANK HEAVEN FOR GOOD FRIENDS…
Not quite sure what I would do without the unstoppable, incorrigible, un comparable, John Weiler. Our friendship is 34 years in the making and I honestly don’t see it quitting me anytime soon. Not sure all of you know, but we met fighting over the same man…he won! Clearly, everything worked out as it should have! We have been vacationing together (the four of us) since we could make the time and now time seems to be more on our side so off we go! Last year I got the call in January to give him my Amex number and details would follow. That ended us up in Peru for 3 spectacular weeks, making friends along the way…This winter the call was, “I am semi retiring and buying my company car and I decided that we should drive it cross country”. So here we are, Rapid City, South Dakota…starting more in the middle than the East Coast as originally planned…but off we go…MOUNT RUSHMORE, CRAZY HORSE, CUSTER NATIONAL PARK, NEEDLE HIGHWAY…spectacular country and apparently where you need to go to avoid any traffic these day. AND I actually made two purchases that were under a dollar!!!!!! Only in South Dakota, my friends, only in South Dakota. Also to be noted, it’s all about the presidents around here. There are presidential wax museums, bronze statues of every president on every street corner, presidential galleries…crazy. As I said on Facebook today, this is a place where they glorify not vilify our presidents regardless of their party affiliation. It’s actually nice to see them respected for the leaders that they were…who created laws and policy that has helped to make our nation the great one THAT IT IS-now!!!!! Enough about all of that…
So off to Wyoming tomro. I am sure we will be listening to the Broadway Tunes station on Sirius radio the whole 3 hour ride unless I can sneak in my audiobook for book club this month! Next big stop will be Grand Tetons and then Yellowstone where we can continue to fill our National Parks passport with stamps . Think it would be a very cool idea to make our regular passports the same where all the countries in the world are on an individual page and the object would be to fill it up! A new travel game! Love it.
So the thought for the day is:
“Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world.”-Gustave Flaubert
Stay tuned…more to come…
As ever,
Wander Lush
Xo
Happy 29TH ANNIVERSARY TO ME…
Trying hard…not to make this a sad day…
but it is-trying…
thank God the kids are here….
it makes me thankful for all the good things that came of our relationship…Hallie, Luke and Ryan for sure…
but the sadness crept in today…the missing found it’s way into my heart…the tears managed to find me here…just when I thought I could go on without them. Fuck
so here is a poem for my angst…here is hoping it has some meaning for all of you who continue to read me…
Mary Oliver.
HEAVY
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying
I went closer, and did not die.
Surely God had His hand in this,
as well as friends.
Still I was bent, and my laughter, as the poet said, was nowhere to be found . Then said my friend Daniel (brave even among lions),
“it’s not the weight you carry
but how you carry it-
books, bricks, grief-
it’s all in the way you embrace it, balance it, carry it
when you cannot and would not, put it down.”
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?
have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?’
How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world that are kind, and maybe
also troubled-
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply?
__________________
got to keep on practicing…finding the wonder in this life when my wonderful life has gone and changed on me…..
I will….I want it to happen.
just a matter of time, right?
and so it goes.
one year/29 years+ and counting…
ANNIVERSARIES, NEW YEARS, AND SUCH
ONE YEAR AGO, DECEMBER 27TH….
hard to believe…
I want to leave this past year far behind me. I have had enough of the sorrow, enough of the pain, enough of the cancer-both his and mine…onto the next chapter. One where we can talk of Michael and not get teary. One where we celebrate who we are because of him…One where we reconnect with our new selves because we have overcome the grief and recognized the power of love, the strength that comes from a solid relationship, that triumphed over challenges and grew from compromise and a commitment to endure all things…and of course the love of family and friends.
So on this first anniversary we did all things Michael loved here on his beloved island. The Pattiserie, the beach, lunch at Gloriette with feet in the sand, a sunset cruise to Govenour beach where we tossed a wreath made from flowers and greens from our garden and read the t.s. Elliot poem that moved us at his service…a toast, a cruise thru the harbor and then his favorite pasta for dinner…
(This is where it might get weird for some of you…and those of you that know me….well…….)
Have been reading The Afterlife Connection, by Dr. Jane Greer. It was recommended to me by friends who also longed to feel some connection with a lost loved one…So the jest is, put it out there, and believe in miracles…what comes, comes and how you interpret it…is up to you.
What happened to me on Sunday, the 27th, on 3 separate incidents…well, I would like to believe that the strange occurances //were instigated by Mikey…they were well, mischievous, like Michael and were very pointed to quirky things that we shared…even if I am making up the connection, (all three, very personal/specific to US) made me think about him and laugh…so it was A good experience regardless…and The Time Keeper, by Mitch Album…one of the strange occurances of the day was reading a passage from the point of view of a man who just heard his death sentence from his doctor…I got a tingle and finally saw things as Michael saw and felt them when he got the news…………………………………………………………………………………..
like I said…take it for what it is worth.
on another note, I LOVE MY KIDS. They are champs. We are all dealing with this past year-the best we can. (Thank you, Jan, for that observation of life). I am so proud of who they are…who they have become after our crash course in maturity. We have all grown up in ways we did not anticipate. I would like to think it has made us stronger and more appreciative of TIME. And how we use it.
I think what I have learned most this year is-
humility. (We are all “human”-thank you, John tommy)
And then there is:
Kindness…
Gratitude…
family/friendship…compassion…listening///loving/unconditionally..
.forgiveness.honesty…appreciation…
saying what you feel…feeling what you say. Trusting your instincts…
believing in your own intuition.
Listening to your body and responding in kind…resisting the notion that “I AM STRONG ENOUGH TO KEEP DOING WHAT I NORMALLY DO AND CAN CARRY ON AS BEFORE”…
there is only
now.
AHHH GLENDA, WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU???
six down and two more sessions to go…and boy am i ready. hope my body is ready to get back up to speed after all of this…i HOPE i have the power to make that happen…mind over matter? body over mind???
this is no day at the beach…i just can’t imagine people that have to go back to their workaday lives after having a chemo treatment. my hat is off to them, (well actually i may keep it on…) my heart goes out to them…
remember to cherish your good health…
i am so thankful to have my construction project to keep my mind creative these days…at my core, i know that is what makes me tick. i was so inspired in peru by our hotel in lake titicaca, the mix of fabrics and textures so caught my eye…i am reliving my earlier days in the fabric business…the hunt, putting together the mix, coming up with the bodies…this time furniture shapes for the loft space above the garage…it feels good. and keeps my mind at work and off of that ever present, “a year ago” conversation that is so hard to erase from my ever chattering brain….who knew i had so much to say???? arghhh all well and good until it is the first voice that greats you in the wee hours of the morning…
so a shout out to my lovely soup makers that are keeping me fed on these down weeks. and my rummy ladies who keep me focused on my hand and not what is going into it….
a good day to watch old movies…under the covers.
BIRTHDAY MONTH CONTINUES….
well just when i thought it couldn’t get any better…
.
it did. and it will…gotta keep gettin up and out there….
LONDON-a bit of a spur of the moment trip for my actual birthday…no kids at home for oct 2 so let’s hit the road! thankfully we had been spurred on by our new buddy, martin morales, who is not only an amazing chef but one heck of fun, curious, no holds bar kinda guy. he put the invite out to come and dine at his peruvian restaurants in london and meet his family….hey why not? off with john weiler, my ever ready travel companion, and then luke joining us on his way back from barcelona, joined us…the world is my oyster…………something about having the opportunity to see the world from a local’s perspective….i am so much richer because of it…
2 weeks ago i got to celebrate my birthday month with family, hallie, luke, andrew, kait, jess, kerrie irene, jerome, john and jen, colleen, and suprise!!!! kay and meg…who came in from atlanta and la. wow. did we have some fun!!! and i have alot of catching up to do in the “fun” category of my life…this group definitely knows how to ring it in.
on the health update side…i am now over the hump! had number 5 out of 8 chemo treatments…so ready to be done with this. the cumulative effects knock me out and the side effects are a bit disturbing but this is CHEMO LIGHT vs FULL ON CHEMO. my heart goes out to those i see who are in the throws of that wth more numbers hanging over their heads…
i feel fortunate that i am considered cancer free since my surgery in july…and they constantly remind me that “science” shows that my chances of it not coming back by killing off the “free radicals” that might be floating thru my body…cancer is not a fun thing and we should all be doing something to get to the bottom of this…as the saying goes, it’s not if it is when? for most of us…
went to an amazing fundraiser for an umbrella organzation called #LUNGEVITY . met some truly amazing people w similar stories of loss, of survivorhood, of living from one trial drug to the hopefully next…whatever we can do to erase this disease from our planet…we need to do. but then there are hundreds of things we NEED TO DO right now. our generation is at a point where we are more prone for what can go wrong will go wrong to happen.
i am so thankful that one of the things our generation of kids learned, that giving back is a duty and a privilege…and i am so impressed with their participation in our #michaeldelaneysideporchsessions. this will be our annual event to honor michael and to try and move the needle as much as we can…a big and belated THANK YOU to all of you that came out and helped us have fun while doing good…doing THE RIGHT THING…
my writing brain is a bit addled lately so hope you don’t mind my blathering today…but it’s been awhile and i thought i would check in….
wishing you all a healthy and happy beautiful autumn….
get out and enjoy it for all of those that can’t today.
please.
Construction Projects
i love my new sculpture…not only will it remind me of my maiden trip to palm springs but setting it up in my city digs, i saw something completely different in it than i had in the desert.
i noticed that it is one iron nail carefully welded to another and then another and then another…and in some places, precariously building on a complicated substructure…
sometimes moving upwards, sometimes headed inward…sometimes a precarious intersection, an inner study of itself and then it connects to another structure that moves it
kind of like life, it occurred to me.
a delicate balancing act of building one’s self…
it’s not always clear that we are growing but we are…our experiences creating our “stories”, one floor at a time…making us all the unique creatures that we are…
my construction sites are many at the moment…
on the outside-working on the finishing touches at our family home where charlie, jerry, scoobee and niles and i make our daily decisions on how to complete this or that usually with a good dose of humor thrown in…(everyone asks when we will be finished and my reply is, “i don’t really care!”, i love having them around right now)
on the physical side of my personal construction project-i am headed out today for round 4, yes halfway thru!!! my chemo light sessions!!! every time is a different experience for 4 days so i am always pleasantly suprised when i feel good and not so suprised if i don’t. there are a few side effects that i could do without…mostly from a vanity level but…IT IS WHAT IT IS and this “insurance” project will be done before i know it, right? more time for “inner” construction projects as i ponder my next moves forward.
in the meantime i try and focus on the present…MINDFULLNESS i believe is the trendy name for it. being here and not looking back is a tough one for me but i am stronger after our event for michael’s fund…my visit with kathy likes kelly, my dear high school pal, provided me with some insight there…it was the first big project (outside of his funeral and celebration) i had done without him…and done well. thank you, kath. building up my strength after this past year has been the biggest challenge of my life. and i am so thankful for all of you who are helping me “rebuild”. you all bring different materials and skill sets to the project, and i realize how lucky i am to have such an incredible array of talent eager to assist me….
many thanks and overdue thank you notes to you all…especially the minions who helped build our first SIDEPORCH SESSIONS for the MICHAEL DELANEY DO THE RIGHT THING FUND as amazing as it was.
onwards and upwards…
xoxoxox
ps. the sculpture also mirrors a theme from the oil painting i bought in budapest last year which to you eagle eyes, is in the background. love it when that happens!
TICK TOCK
WELL, THE COUNTDOWN IS OFFICIAL NOW…44 hours and 4 minutes to go…we are hovering around 250 tickets sold and we are, ok I AM, hoping that we can hit 300…the kids are a little bit more nervous than i am but i figure when you do this much work to put together a big event like this you want to gather as many supporters as possible…they are worrying about our auction site crashing…but we have a back up plan…
this is not my first rodeo.
It’s been good to have this to focus on. Lists galore, chores to do, items to log in, new space to decorate as best we can, tent to fill tomro, nerves to calm. This has been a bonding and important experience for the kids and myself as well as their dear friends and mine. Special shout out to Chris Zellers…your friendship and our creative collaboration have gotten me thru many a stressful situation…thank you….What a meshing of people’s talents and creative giving. I am so thankful for this community of mine. We have shared many stories and much laughter along the way…let me not forget to thank Charley Savatsky, my friend, my unfortunately fellow journey man this year…and a contractor extrodinaire…i think i may need to find another building project after this…
Grateful, indeed. And happy that it is happening when it is as there are more of those “a year ago” thoughts that creep in…but no time. Always happier when I have a project. I just wish that I could wish away why we are doing this in the first place. Have no idea when this will get easier…the deeper the scar the deeper the love, right?
So dear friends and family. I know this is going to be a FUN day…so excited to see so many of you in a happier moment than the last time we gathered en mass….
For those of you who have yet to purchase your tickets…better do it now before the kids pull the plug~~~
the links are below!!!
A YEAR AGO TODAY….
OUR LIVES CHANGED FOREVER….
unfortunately i remember it like it was yesterday…Sandi Channell sneaking out of the house before any of us were up…Michael asking me to go see the orthopedic doctor who would be receiving his MRI from HSS, coming back with yet another script for another MRI…getting the call from HSS for Michael…me walking John and Sargon to the driveway to say our goodbyes after a fun visit…coming back into the house with the phone ringing again, this time our family doctor returning Michael’s call….Michael telling me to tell him he would call back and for me to come out on the porch and shut the door………………………………………………………….him delivering the news thru tears that the call from HSS said there were multiple lesions on his pelvic area and that it looked like a secondary site and he should go immediately to get a catscan to find the primary site…Michael looking at me and saying, “I don’t think this is good”. He was right…I was hopeful but I also knew he was right……
and so we made the calls, organized the cat scan and reading for the next day….and then we sat. me with my head on his knees…for the rest of the day…on our porch….speechless.
how does one mark this day? take a breath and go on i guess….
but i miss him….every minute of every day…
there was no one quite like him….
how lucky was I?
how lucky were we all to know him?
pretty damn lucky.
Day One Report
A little update on the patient…yesterday was my first of 8 CMF “chemo light” shots and well-not bad.
Thankfully, Eileen and I played gin rummy for a good part of the three hours there (until i realized she was getting the hang of it and i feigned a bit of a fuzzy head) and then we walked out into the beautiful summer day in Westchester…feelin’ fine. Came home to some work with Charlie and Bruce who are scurrying to finish up the construction here and put us into passable shape for the Side Porch Sessions, took a 45 minute walk in the neighborhood, had some yogurt and a delicious peach, half a cinnamon bagel, did some more busy work, got my “now covered by insurance” massage, fotzed a bit, took a pre emptive ativan aka happy pill that also settles the stomach as a “just in case” to a piece of leftover grilled chicken, tomato that was heaven and mozzarella and basil, a sip of wine that tasted like, well something i definitely didn’t want to drink (this could be a good thing) and THEN went upstairs to settle in bed…
woke up at 9:30pm to Kerrie calling…thought for sure it had to be after midnight…i had been asleep since 8:30!! a new record.
so perhaps a daily beauty rest, giving wine a time out, and the occasional delicious bite of tomato will not be a bad thing…(not to mention Joni’s Superb chicken broth, matzah balls and other yummy treats…)
As for what is ahead- the follow up to Day One, comes Day Two-Have the Neulasta Shot at 1 which goes straight to the bone marrow apparently, thus making for some achiness…to be determined…and as a tip to anyone going thru this or knowing anyone that is…I hear that Claritan is the best relief to be taken immediately after the shot.FYI sooooo
Followed by Day Three, when the steroids wear off from the chemo and the achiness is at it’s peak…or so they say. Guess that will be my curl up with a movie day.
So dear friends and family, there you have it…the minute by minute blow or otherwise known as TMI!!! Sorry, you have been asking so thought i would just spell it all out once for the record.
Please know that all your sweet calls, emails, texts, prayers, good wishes are not lost on me. I am so blessed and lucky to have you all.
Much, much love,
The impatient patient
xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo
ps.another tip, if you know anyone that has to go thru any of this Big C s–t, MSKCC is more than amazing. the doctors, nurses, therapists, aids, are the most compassionate and skilled group of caregivers i have ever come across. AND the new facility in Harrison, NY is spectacular! You feel like you are checking into a luxury hotel not a chemo center.
M Delaney Update 
